Don't you want
by Eternalukyou
Summary: Unanswered Question race through Shinji mind, questions of Value and love. Can he really except such an undeserved honor from a boy he hardly knows? Can he trust his finds with his heart? Can he love the boy who loves him? Shinji fights with inner problem


Don't you want.  
By: Eternal_Ukyou  
  
Note's and Stuff: The Neon characters are not mine, either is the song, the song is by Manaka it's called 'Don't you want'. This is my second attempt at a KensukexShinji fic. Please R & R I wanna know what you think.. I know not many people like this paring, I'm a ShinjixKaoru Fan myself. But I've read fics where he's paired with Toji, Gendo, and, Kaji but none with Kensuke, so I had to write one myself. I hope you enjoy.   
  
Don't you want To be loved?  
  
Shinji sighed and closed his eyes. It's was that time of the year again. The time of year he hated the most. February. It's not that he hated the month, why hate it month, it's just a division of days? It was what those days contained. Sei Barentain no Shukujitsu, or other wise, Valentine's day was what he hated. He grounded. That meant the Dance, which in turn meant yet another long night... by himself.  
"Not again." The words escaped his lips, each sound barley audible above the low roar of morning conversation.  
"Hey Shinji!" Shinji spun around and met Kensuke smiling gaze.  
"Hey." He tried to smile. Obviously Kensuke didn't buy it.  
"Shinji!" He straddled the chair in front of Shinji's desk. "What's wrong? You look down, I mean more that usual." Shinji only shook his head and looked away.  
  
Don't you need someone there to touch you  
  
Kensuke shook his head sadly and pushed his glass up on the bridge of his nose. Poor kid. It was time like these Kensuke actually pitied Shinji. Other times he was simply envious. Was this the price that came with Eva? Or was it the product of hidden torment? Kensuke, like few others, recognize the fact that Shinji was morose. But, unlike the others, he wanted to help. He figured it was the least he could so in return for protection from the Angels. Come on Shinji... you've got to let someone into you heart. You can't survive all alone. With a sigh Kensuke lifted from his chair.   
  
when you lying in the dark longing for loves spark to fall upon you  
  
The whole apartment was bathed in silence. Shinji sighed and dropped his bag on the floor, peeling off his sweat soaked shirt, he threw it at the wall and flopped down on his bed. He silently cursed himself from letting so stupid get to him. I should be used to it by now, he thought to him self. I've always been alone, I always will be alone. He never realized that he was only was alone because he wouldn't let anyone get near him. He, like Asuka, was afraid of being hurt. He was afraid to fall in love. He had once heard Asuka tell him, that her mother told her that love was like a drug. Once you tasted it's sweet nectar you can't live with out it. The more you have the more you want and when the one you love stops loving you back it's over and all you want is to die. Shinji didn't want to feel that pain. It wasn't something he needed now. So for now he would only sigh wistfully and keep to himself. It was what he was good at.   
"Maybe just once..."  
  
When you delt your cards  
  
"Just once, I wish that I could go too..." Shinji rolled over taking the thin sheet with him, wrapping the cold linen around his thin frame. A thin hand grouped blindly for his head phones, and in finding them he slipped them on. There was something in his heart, something that told him this wasn't living, this was fearing. This was waiting and wishing for attention. This was self inflicted solitude. He wanted badly for someone to love him, or even be close to him but he had built up too many walls around his heart that not even those with the strongest will could break down. He wanted to be liked, yet he acted unlikable. He wanted to be love, yet he acted as if the heart he had was made of granite. This wasn't living... this was loneliness.  
  
Do you stand  
  
Shinji rose from the bed, leaving the sheet on the floor, his DAT player in hand and headed for the kitchen. He was suddenly hungry. Opening the cabinets he found what he expected. Next to nothing. After some tedious searching he came upon a can of clam chowder and figured it would have to do for now. A soft groan escaped from his thin lips as he looked around the darkened apartment.  
"There got to be something better than this?" But was there? Was a foster family or a care center better than this? At least Misato tried to help, she tried she really did, she just didn't have the right tact for such a mission. Adults just don't understand... no one understands me... No one stays with me and soon enough Misato and Asuka will leave me to, so will Toji and Kensuke... and I'll be alone again. Then an old song came to his mind and he sung it idly as he opened the can. "Is there life out there? So much she hasn't done. Is there life beyond her family and her home, she done what she should, should she do what she had? She doesn't wanna leave, she just wondering if there life out there." he smiled to himself. He hadn't sung in what seemed like a very long time, he was to embarrassed that Asuka would make a fool out of him because his singing wasn't stellar, such as she claimed hers was. Sometimes he hated her,   
  
Wishing for a better hand  
  
And other times, he didn't know what he would do without her. He didn't know what the hell it was that she did to his mind, why did he get this gut wrenching pain every time she talked about boys, every time she scolded him, every time she called him 'baka'. He had heard the expression 'Fate is a cruel mistress.' The must been talking about the red headed devil her self, Asuka Langly Shoru. Shinji could never deiced if she was the worst or best thing that had ever happened to him. All he knew is that he wanted to rid his life of her. To get away from her.  
  
Even though you know the next card to be thrown  
  
Maybe he did care for her like Misato said, like everyone at school assumed, maybe he did hate her like he kept telling him self. And Maybe Toji was right, it's to soon to tell even thought he hated her well. He recalled something Toji had once said, 'I hate Asuka because you hate her Shinji.' Shinji was slightly stunned by this comment. When did their bond become so strong? Did he miss it? Toji was right every time he muttered the words 'red head devil.' There was no way around it, Asuka was just that. Shinji bit his lip and turned the stove on, then, finishing that task, perched himself on the counter. He swung his legs idly pounding deeply what exactly he felt for Asuka and Misato. Life was so confusing right now with Eva and what not. What would become of him when this was all over? Would his Father send him away again, to forget about him all over again? Would those around him who pretend to be his friends suddenly up and leave? What would his purpose be with out Eva? Shaking his head, he didn't want to worry about.  
  
The next card to be thrown  
  
The phone rang.  
"Mushi, mushi!" Shinji barked softly into the receiver.  
"Shinji? This is Kensuke, Toji and I are going out to the field tonight. I heard you where home alone. You wanna join us?" He sounded excited. Shinji and he had only, by chance, met in the field once. Though he and Toji visited often, It was their spot to get away.  
"Sure..." The words where soft, like he didn't care.  
"Alright, we'll pick you up in an hour all right?"  
"Alright, Bye." He dropped the receiver back into it's cradle. With a sigh he went to his room. He had heard the 'rules' several times. So he stuffed a sweat shirt into his back pack and went back to the kitchen, his pack in his hand. He set it on the counter next to the stove, where his chowder was still cooking, and produced a zip lock of uncooked rice, a few cans of Calpis, a bag of pretzel rods, and a hand full of Jolly Ranchers.  
"That should do." With that, he lay the bag to rest on the table and went back to his steaming pot "I think it's ready." He poured it into a bowl and sat down to eat. This was the first time he had ever been invited to join the boys on their weekend outing. He should be excited but he wasn't... really. Sure it was nice to know that these people where is friends, but he was just not in the mood to be excited.  
  
Will win the game  
  
Kensuke smiled as he dumped an arm load of wood on the hard ground. There was a circle in the field that had been cleared of grass the, ground was chard and black, apparently this severed as Kensuke's fire circle.   
"We come out here a lot, we play paint ball with some other people ever once in a while, their base is on the other side of that tree line near the cliff. Hey, Shinji, you did being food right?"  
"Yea." He duped out his bag on top of a folding chair.  
"That's what I forgot, rice, I brought the camping cooker." Toji laugh made him spin around, he held a zip lock of rice in his hand. "You've done this to many time Toji-kun.." Kensuke put his hand to his forehead and laughed.  
"Hai, Kensuke-kun, to many times." It had obviously been to many times because they instantly settled down on small folding chairs next to the fire pit, which soon was a blaze of dancing red and gold flames. There was silence between the boys for quite some time, the only noise the crackling of the fire.  
  
Lay by the fire  
  
Shinji pulled his sweat shirt out of the bag and laid in on the ground. Once satisfied her lay down in the dust, head on the sweat shirt and sighed. Still the lack of conversation remained. It's better this way Shinji though to himself. If we don't talk... we can just think  
  
Let it warm your body through  
  
Shinji closed his eyes and let him self be engulfed in the heat the fire radiated. It felt nice on his skin, on his face. And he smiled a little. It surprised him to know that he felt safe here with Kensuke and Toji.. Pulling his knees to his chest he released another sigh, this time, one of relife.  
  
Kensuke sat in his chair, holding her knees to his chest for warmth, spring had been a bit unseasonably cold his year. He looked at Toji who stared deeply into the fire as if looking for answers. His cold eyes seemed steady as the fire light flickered across them, making their child hood innocents glitter in a sea of frozen emotion. Kensuke had to smile a bit at the boy, he had always been Toji's friend. There was something the two boys shared, maybe it was their interest, maybe it was their feeling, maybe it was their heart. Neither knew why their bond had grown so strong but it had. Neither had much of a 'family life,' they had each other. When one had something to say the other would listen and do his best to help with the problem at hand. Closer than friends, with a bond stronger than blood. Toji looked up and locked eyes with Kensuke for a moment and flashed a small smile as if saying 'haven't found it yet' then returned his gaze to the fire light. Kensuke shook his head and stiffed a small laugh. Leaning back in his chair he allowed him self to ponder Shinji as he lay there in the dust.  
  
Stay there to long  
  
At first, Shinji and Toji had never intended on being friends, in fact, when they did Kensuke was quite surprised. It wasn't like Toji to swallow his pride like that. He would admit, only silently, that though he said he envied Shinji, he would almost fear such a job. He had seen the terror in Shinji's eyes as he fought the Angel. Is this was Eva did to people, made them scared and hallow inside? If so that something he never wanted to do. Shinji too stared into the flame, looking deeply, like Toji was. What was it they where searching for? What was anyone searching for? And more over, what was he searching for up here in these rolling hills? Some thing to believe it, piece of mind, security. None of these things really existed now. Nothing was sacred, every one did as they where told, and now the Angels had once again descended from the heavens. Kensuke closed his eyes. Shinji... he pictured the boy in his mind. He seemed so quite, so alone. It was at that moment he realized he wanted nothing more than to go and comfort him. Make him feel less alone, but how could he possibly? He opened his eyes again so that he may soak in the slight of the fire dancing on Shinji's pale cheeks, the way his hair seemed to dance under the gentle spring breeze, the delicate structure of his thing body. It was then he spoke up.  
"Are you guys hungry?" Kensuke dug in his pack for the camping rice cooker. He knew not what else to say at that moment. Toji smiled at Kensuke and handed him the bag of rice, Shinji seemed not to notice, he continued his search in the flames.  
"I'll go get the tent ready to set up." Toji pulled the large tent bag out from under his chair. He had the tent preparations down to a fine science by now.  
"Shinji, if you go right over there," Kensuke pointed at toward the dirt road on the far side of the meadow. "There a water pipe. Take the bucket and go fill it up would ya?" As he spoke and dropped a few more sticks of wood upon the blaze. Shinji rose stiffly and shook out his sweat shirt.  
"Sure." He draped the dirt enhanced sweat shirt over Toji's chair and took the bucket.  
"Shinji-kun, take my jacket, you look cold." Kensuke smile and took off the cammy coat and held it out. Shinji was slightly shocked. He wasn't used to such an act of affection. With a shaky hand he took the jacket and slipped it on. Kensuke's sweet sent of grass and that Asian house smell (you know that smell, like when you walk into a Asian grocery story and it smell funky cuze they sell fish and stuff? Oh, you know what I'm talking about.)  
"Thank you." Feeling uncomfortable in the present situation he took off running across the open meadow. He didn't know what it was, what was the suddenly swelling of feelings was inside of him but it forced tears to gather in his eyes. Why... why am I crying? he asked himself as he ran, the tall blades of grass and wild flower slapped his legs as he ran past.  
  
And it's smoke will smother you  
  
Kensuke let his eyes follow Shinji's receding figure into the darkness. She sound of the Semi (Cicada) all around him. Shinji... You have to open up to someone... you can't rely on yourself forever. Every body needs somebody. I need Toji, and you... you need me...  
  
Don't you wait  
  
Kensuke couldn't sleep. Something was keeping him from dosing off. Usually he was relaxed and fell asleep easier when he was out here, but a new element had cause him unrest. The third figure that lay uncovered in the chilly night.  
"Shinji..."  
  
Shinji squeezed his eyes close tight as if shutting his eyes would shut out the cold the held him body in frosty arms. I knew I should have brought a blanket. He tried to pull his legs closer to his body but they where as close as them would come. Then suddenly he felt a heavy quilt being laid upon him. He looked up but saw nothing but darkness, then he felt a warm body next to him. That sent, Kensuke!  
"You looked cold." Kensuke turned over and closed his eyes.  
"Thank you." And soon after, so did Shinji.  
  
Any longer  
  
Shinji paused for a moment before opening the door. Last night played through his head, the jacket, the blanket, the shared body heat. Kensuke's sent still lingered on Shinji's shirt. He remember awakening in the middle of the night and feeling Kensuke's arms around him, he had though he was dreaming and went back to sleep. But... was it real or not? Shinji shook the though free of him mind and opened the door. Just as he began to remove his shoes Misato came around the corner looking to be in quite a huff.  
"There you are Shinji!" Misato said with a sigh of relife. Her voice a mixture of anger and easement. "I've been worried about you. I-" she stopped as Shinji walked passed her, ignoring her completely. "Why do you smell like an Asian fish market?" she turned to follow him down the hall. Watching him as he threw the dust sweat shit in the laundry room and the empty cans of Calpis, and the wrapping to several other food stuff into the trash. "Shinji!" she pleased. "What's going on-" his door slid close with a strong thud.   
"He was probably partying or something!" Asuka shrugged, her tooth brush hanging out of her mouth.  
"That would be nice to hear if he had been." She turned to Asuka, she was pleasantly surprised by the void of the yellow dress, replaced with a more form fitting red one, conventional yet some what sexy. "Where are you off to?"  
" The Sei Barentain no Shukujitsu dance is tonight at the school." He went back into the bath room and finished brushing her teeth. "My date is comings to pick me up." She smiled smugly  
"I thought that was last night.:  
"No."  
"Then where were you?"  
"At Hikari's trying to find a date..."  
"Oh, I see. Is Shinji going?"  
"I don't care what Baka-boy dose, but I don't honestly think he could ever get a date to go to a dance, not ever wonder girl would sink THAT low." She laughed at took the new black Mary Jane's from their shelf. "He should be here soon." She perch on a stool just inside the kitchen. "Frankly I don't care what Shinji-baka dose, its none of my concern anyhow!"  
"Well it's -my- concern Asuka, It's my job!" Misato had gotten at tid bit angry at Asuka lack of concern "You don't give a flying fuck that's fine but you don't have to flaunt it!!" This had obviously touched Misato's maternal nerves, Asuka had never seen Misato quite so mad at her before. She never got mad.  
"Well, geesh... sorry Misto-"  
"Your not sorry Asuka! You could care less!" She slammed her fist into the table and made most of empty beer cans topple over and a few tumbled to the floor. She put the other hand to her face as her rage turned to confused tears.   
"Misato-san..." Asuka rose from the stool, a sudden look of uncharacteristic concern on her face.  
"I... I just want to help him, and you. I'm trying as hard as I can... I don't know what else to do. He doesn't talk to me, he disobeys me directly, he never asks for anything, I just don't know what I should do.  
  
There is love  
  
Shinji heard Misato's words, and tried to ignore them but pulling his pillow over his head. She would never understand. But... that wasn't the problem at hand. Kensuke... why had he done what he did. Shinji began thinking aloud.  
"He was so nice to me, no one is ever that nice to me. He gave me his coat..." Shinji reached for him head phones and put them in his ears, hoping to drowned out Misato's voice, but that batteries died. "He... came and slept next to me." he put his hand to his arm, where Kensuke had rested his hand. His hands where so soft, his intention pure. " what is going on..."  
  
Standing on your side walk  
  
Kensuke looked up and the apartment complex that Shinji lived in. Shinji... I don't know what happening... but I can't quit thinking about it... whatever it is... I want to help him he swallowed the lump that was building in his thought. You just have to let me. I don't know what it is, this feeling, but it has something to do with you...  
  
And though he waits there patiently  
  
Shinji sat up, ready to look for batteries. He stretched a bit and pulled but the window shade, searching the cluttered window sill for batteries. Pencils, DAT tapes, Miniature figures of Sailor Neptune and Uranus, an Utena manga, marbles, but no batteries. He glanced out his window at the city below. A city plagued by Angel, a city only he could save. He shook his head and looked at the side walk out side where people moved about like ants rushing here and there, one man nearly avoided being hit by a car as he ran across the street. He recognized a group of girls in dark blue uniforms, they where from Cerulean High school. He wondered what they where doing all the way over here. It was then he saw him, Kensuke. With eyes down cast at something Shinji was unable to make out, laying in the palm of his hand.   
"Kensuke." He let the curtain drop and instantly flopped down on his bed, coving his head with his pillow. " no.... don't come here. Kensuke-kun, don't come here!"  
  
In his pocket rest the key  
  
Kensuke looked down at the small white plastic card in his hand with charter for 'Ikari, Shinji' where written across it with black marker, and there was a neo print of Shinji, in a different school uniform with a girl Kensuke had never seen before. It was when a group of girl passed by did he recognize the uniform Shinji was wearing in the Neo print. It was from Cerulean High School. Kensuke smiled. so he did have a girl friend once. he trucked the card back in his pocket and looked up to there he knew Shinji's room was just in time to see the curtain fall shut. It's time we talk Ikari-kun  
  
To the gate way of your heart  
  
After the elevator ride to the top floor of the apartment building Kensuke approach the door marked 'Katsuragi, Ikari, Shyoru.' He paused, he could hear Misato's distressed cries. poor Katsuragi-sama... he reached up and knocked on the door like he had some many time past, usually with Toji at his side. The door slid open, it was Asuka.  
"Oh, Hi Asuka! Is Shinji around?" Kensuke smiled at her.  
"Yea," She said in a mono tone voice. "I'll get him."  
  
You must first do your part  
  
Asuka pounded Shinji's door.  
"Your husband is here Ikari-baka!" she yelled. "Come on lump, some one here for you." she stopped and listened, no sound. "IKARI-BAKA!" Shinji ignored her, he didn't want to confront Kensuke, he was still trying to sort out his feeling. The door slid open violently and Asuka ripped him of his bed. "YOUR BOYFRIEND HERE! NOW GO!" She pushed him out of the room and to the front door.  
  
And free the dogs  
  
"Shinji!" Kensuke smiled "You dropped this back in the tent." He held out the key card. With a shaking hand and heat in his cheeks he took it from Kensuke.  
"Thanks."  
"You never told me you went to Cerulean high school! That like the preppy-est school their is!"  
"I guess it never came up." Shinji tucked it into his pocket hoping question of the girl in the neo print wouldn't arise. He did want to have to explain about Kasumi.  
"Shinji...." Kensuke's gaze dropped to the floor. "I wanted to talk to you about last night.... " his word became uncharacteristic soft. " I never got a chance to do what I wanted to do."  
  
You can pretend satisfaction is your home  
  
"There was a reason I invited you... and " Kensuke stepped closer. "this is it." Kensuke lifted Shinji's chin and pressed his lips to his. He didn't want to pull away but he felt Shinji's hand on his chest pushing him away. He looked into Shinji's eyes, wondering why he had been pushed away so suddenly. He saw the tears that formed in his eyes.  
"Just... Just..."Shinji stammered, stepping back a few feet. "Just go away." Shinji reached for the door control and closed the door. "shit..." he spat as he slid his back down the wall, coving his face with his hands.  
  
But in the end  
  
Shock was strewed across Kensuke's face, he didn't understand, he though Shinji would have willingly excepted. All he wanted to do was help, he wanted to break down the barriers that Shinji had build around his heart, help him open up. So that he might not be scared any more. All he wanted was to undo the damage done by Eva. TO try and fix the thing that could be fixed. He shook his head and turned and left  
  
You attractions have you stoned  
  
"No..." Shinji covered his head with his pillow, unaware the door hadn't fully closed. "NO! I don't want him to love me..." he shook his head back and forth, smothering himself in the sheets. "Why now? Why dud it have to be me?" Like a royal prince having a tantrum he threw his pillow across the room at the blank walls. "damn..." Asuka paused just outside the door, seeing it was ajar, and once again listened in as Shinji spoke. What a stuck up brat. Who ever she is she was just trying to help then she heard the name and was shocked.  
"I can't believe Kensuke, that stuck up... thinks he can just kiss me and I'll let him..." It was so unlike Shinji to get angry, usually he would just lay there silently. But he was so confused right now, it's no wonder he was acting so strange. O_0 Kensuke Kissed Shinji? Wait till I tell Hikari! with that she was off to spread the gossip, like the hen she was.  
  
oh, so far from home  
  
Kensuke seated himself in his computer chair, a hurt look on his face, and began typing.  
  
To: ShinjiIkari3@hotmail.com  
  
Dear Shinji,  
I know what I did wasn't right... but I don't know what else to do. I want to help you, you have to let someone into you heart. Forcing your self to be alone is only making the walls the guard your heart higher and thicker making it harder and harder from someone to them break down. I was only trying to help, I guess I was wrong, maybe you enjoy your self inflicted isolation, I don't know.   
We're going up to the field again next week end, your welcome to come. I don't want this to change anything between us, we can just chalk it up to the stress of out impending doom. But if you change you mind... I'm the blond kid with the glasses, you know where to fine me.  
Shinji, I mean it when I say (er.. type) I love who you could be.. if you'd just open up and crawl out of your protective shell. We won't hurt you, We're not like every one else. Toji and I... we're your friends. Always  
  
Kensuke  
  
From: EvaFreak808@Juno.com  
  
And you still alone.  
  
Shinji read over the e-mail this eyes blurry with tears.  
"Kensuke...- kun." He knew then what he would never admit aloud. "Gomen." He pulled his knees to his chest and held them there. Maybe he's right... He has always tried to be a friend to me, they wouldn't hurt me... he shook his head. no! he wouldn't let himself admit to the feeling tat swelling in his cold chest. That maybe he did need Kensuke, and maybe he did love him as well. He wouldn't even think it, He had no right to love any one when he couldn't even love himself. Misato was right. ' You cannot except another love if you cannot except your own.' He could never feel another love because he could never love himself, until his father loved him. "I can't never heal myself... the wound is to deep..."  
  
Alone.  



End file.
